Girl Troubles
by Twilight Scribe
Summary: A lonely Roy bemoans one of the major failings of Super Smash Brothers Melee: a shortage of ladies.


Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. I bet you didn't see that one coming, huh? 

AN: Sometimes our minds make us think horrifying things. This is one of those things that escaped and leaked onto paper. Just kidding, of course. It's just something that's been bouncing around in my skull for a while. It's also my first foray into anything remotely close to the romance genre. I must be ill...

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"Roy!"

The short swordsman whipped around to locate the speaker, sword drawn. Even though the characters felt some camaraderie towards each other, (thanks to their shared struggles against the Master Hand) it wasn't unheard of for scuffles to break out. No one had ever been killed, but it didn't hurt to be cautious.

The quick turn brought Roy face to face with Marth who just chuckled and motioned to Roy's blade. "Put it away, I'm just here to talk."

"All right, talk then." Roy snapped, shoving his sword angrily into its sheath.

"I want to know what's kept you brooding up here and neglecting your fighting duties."

Roy sighed and turned to the edge of the stage, staring off into the sky. The expectant silence stretched longer and longer, but Marth waited patiently. He had decided beforehand that he would get an answer no matter what. If polite conversation couldn't produce a result, he would beat an answer from the younger swordsman, but he hoped it wouldn't come to that. Just as Marth began to draw his sword, Roy spoke.

"Girls." That was a shock.

"What?"

"There aren't enough girls in this game." Roy looked away from Marth's accusing stare. "I'm not lying, that's it."

"You mean to tell me that you've been shirking your duty to mope up here because you haven't got a girlfriend?" Marth asked incredulously.

"Yeah. It seems reasonable to me."The younger swordsman sat down on the very edge of the stage, his legs hanging off into space. "You happy now?" He asked, throwing a caustic glance up at Marth.

Completely unruffled, Marth took a seat next to him. "No." the Prince wasn't used to playing matchmaker, but he could try. "Let's see, a girl for Roy... Have you talked to Princess Peach?"

"No, she's already got someone. I'm no home wrecker."

"Hm, Princess Daisy?"

"Marth, she's just Princess Peach with a different color scheme. Besides, Luigi'd kill me."

"You think you would lose to Luigi? That's pretty pathetic." Marth scoffed.

"Shut up, Marth..." Roy grated, his hand hovering threateningly over the hilt of his sword. Marth did what any good friend would do in that situation. He ignored the warning and kept talking.

"What about Zelda or Samus? They're both single. I'd recommend Nana too, but I don't think she's your type. She seems a little clingy."

"Samus is a great lady, but she's married to her job. Zelda would be a great idea. She's smart, strong, kind, and hot too. There's just one thing against her, you know Sheik?"

"What about her? I'd say she's a bonus. You could have two girls and it wouldn't really be cheating. Go for it, Roy."

"Sheik's not a girl."

"What?"

"Yeah Marth, Sheik's a guy. When Zelda transforms, she becomes a he. Sheik caught me in battle one time and I got a good view of his chest before he threw me, definitely a man."

"I... Almost want to know how Zelda does that... Anyway, you've rejected every girl in the roster." Marth stated matter-of-factly as he stood and brushed himself off. "I'll leave you to agonize a bit more. Get back to fighting soon."

Roy hardly heard him. After a few seconds he turned and called to the departing swordsman, asking "Marth! Pikachu's a girl, right?"

The older swordsman froze in his tracks and slowly turned to face his friend. It was easy to see he was trying to compose himself. "I'm not sure, Roy... Now excuse me while I go bleach my brain. Just the fact that you thought of that will give me nightmares for weeks..."

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AN: See? A horrifying thing. Just for the record: Sheik's gender is undecided. But if you take a close look at the figurines of her/him in the gallery you can see s/he's very flat chested and rather mannish. I (obviously) support the idea that Sheik is actually male, as odd as that may be.

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End file.
